The heart and kindness

Today, I cried on the shoulder of a complete stranger.  She was a 30 something year old girl, not completely american, but a mix of what I couldn’t tell.  She was simple, and had a warm energy.

I was sitting alone on the park bench, trying hard to hold back the tears that had been streaming for most of the day.  She sat next to me and said that it looked like I needed someone to talk to.  At first I was a bit taken back.  Why on earth would a complete stranger come up to me as I was crying to help console me?  I remember when I lived in NYC and I would see random strangers crying on the street.  I knew how that felt, to be at such a low point and letting it all go for everyone on the streets to see.

“I’m sorry” I said.

She stopped me as she moved a bit closer to me.  ”there’s no reason to be sorry.  If anyone should be it’s me.  I don’t mean to impose, but I saw you sitting here and thought you might need someone to talk to.”  God, I hope I didn’t look suicidal, I thought to myself.

I explained to her what was going on between my boyfriend and I.  I didn’t give details, she wasn’t interested in the “he said, she said” crap.  She just looked at me in the eyes as I told her that one of the greatest loves of my life was slipping from my grasp.  She put her hand on mine, and took in a deep breath.  I lost myself.  I sobbed like a child and she pulled herself closer, giving her shoulder over to my tears.

After I collected myself, she thanked me.  ”No, I should be thanking you” I said.  ”Not hardly.” she replied.  ”you trusted me enough to go to an emotional place, that most would never let a stranger see.  That’s why I’m thanking you.”

With that she wished me the best of luck, not offering too much advice, just happy to share my burden.  I don’t think I’ve ever received such a random act of kindness in my life.

I love Alejandro.  I love the man that I’ve gotten to know, and I love the man that I know he’ll be as he grows old.  There’s no question about that.  I realize we’re different.  There are some things he does that drive me absolutely insane, but I know he has his reasons.  He’s been through so much, as have I, but the paths have been so different, I’ll never fully understand why his head goes in one direction, and mine the opposite.

But I don’t CARE about those things, because ultimately I always believed he would be there, standing by my side, at whatever cost.  I know I would have done the same for him.

I feel like I’ve been misunderstood, and I’ve tried so hard to show him the man that I can be.  I would never be jealous of his friendships.  I would never say things to him that would make me doubt my respect for him, and my love.  And I would never EVER do anything to him that I know would upset him.  I know that when he goes out with friends, he’s very faithful.  I’ve never doubted this.  I have to believe that, because if I don’t trust his words, then what do I trust?  Why couldn’t he see that my spontaneity is a good thing?  If at the last minute a friend calls me up to join them, I just wish that he had trusted me enough to know that I would never put our relationship in a place that would jeopardize it.

I love that man.  I really do.  He walked away telling me this was the last time, the last chance.  And so a pit rests in my chest, knowing that he will eventually move on, knowing that the love that I felt from him will be shared with another.  The dreams that I’ve built for us, our house together, our trips together, our life together, where does it all go?  The world was ours, how can it just disappear?

I am sorry.  I’m sorry that we are such hard headed men that at times of heightened emotions, things are said that can’t be taken away.  I’m sorry because I know now that he felt he had to fight for my attention, for my love.  If only I had done more to show him that there was no competition, there never was.  I was his, and happy to be called his.  He was a part of me.  His smell, his taste, his everything, a part of my senses.  Love is my enemy right now, it’s because of love I have this hole in my heart.

I really miss him....

Adele on Repeat

Sad, right?

Breakups suck.

My head starts to list all that I’ll miss, the smells, the touches, the whispers, the looks, the kisses, but my fingers don’t have the energy to go into details.

I was told, “this is the last time”.  Never have words driven deeper.  They were delivered as clearly as they were understood.

Adele’s voice offers the only comfort I’ll find tonight.

………

What you can’t see are the novels of thoughts running through my head as I type, each pause lasting what seems like hours, searching for answers as to why….so many questions asking why, what, how….

And Adele sings on……

 

Tonight, I write

Again, they say writer’s block is caused by having too much to say, and not being able to funnel it on to the paper in a productive way.

I feel I like I’ve done all the right things.  I know I’m extremely intense at times, my emotions can get the better of me, and I start to boil over, but I’ve tried to keep a lid on it as best as I know how in order to approach things in a way that a resolution can later be found.  How is it that two people so deeply in love can see the peace and the love in each other, but yet misunderstand each other time and time again, to a point where everything said is taken in the worst way.  And here I am, thinking that I’m making you happy.

Joke’s on both of us, I guess, but Im’ sure neither of us is laughing.

It hurts.  It hurts to work at something, to believe you’re making strides, not just in yourself, but in the relationship, to have to think that now, after all that work, it’s best to let each other go.  And is it so wrong of me to want to fight and keep that alive?  At what point does it become absurd to keep on fighting?  Is that my ego talking, not being able to fathom the idea that I just can’t make this work.

So how strong is love actually?  We’d like to believe it will make us achieve small miracles, show the light to change for the better, to electrify us with volition to be all that you want me to be….but then again, if you’re loved, it should be for who you are.  Wait, that’s two different points….

In one hand, I believe that I love so deeply, that if there is something about me that can be adjusted for the greater good of the relationship, then that love will drive me make the change.

But what about the love received?  Shouldn’t that be unconditional love, loving you for who you are, understanding those flaws, and recognizing them, allowing you to look past at that sweet soul that resides behind those dark brown eyes.

Communication…..is always the disconnect.  I don’t always come across the way I mean to, a pitfall I believe everyone endures, but I have to talk about things.  I have to get them out, bring it out in the open, that’s how my brain works!  It helps me to process things and to visualize it.  When so much of what is said is misconstrued, it leads to disaster.  So maybe a week will hep.  Maybe it won’t.  Maybe we’ve already locked in the idea of what the other has to offer, what we’ll have to “endure” in love, so much so that there’s no room to recognize the small daily changes that one attempts to make.

The hopeless romantic in me, the optimist, the lover, the one that wants to be there for you as long as you need me, thinks there’s a chance.

Little Walkers

Hmmmm…..

The holidays are just around the corner, and I could definitely use some extra cash.  And like they say, why not get paid for doing something I do on the regular?

The Sperm Bank of California www.thespermbankofca.org.

Lurid Digs – Horrifying Gay Amateurs

So I find this site INCREDIBLY funny…I know, it’s crass, it’s rude, it’s everything that’s wrong with the freedom of complete accessibility online…..but I can’t get enough!!  Enjoy!

Lurid Digs – Horrifying Gay Amateurs.

 

YouTube – Kina – Girl From the Gutter

YouTube – Kina – Girl From the Gutter.

Work sucks, so I chat

Just another work day chat with my little brother, enjoy!

jofrogus:  hey

me:  hey there!

jofrogus:  whats up

me:  much better

jofrogus:  yeah i agree, i hate facebook chat

you wouldn’t be able to contact ANY of your friends and find me some god damn pot would you?

i’m frustrated

hahaha

we have no cosigner, and can’t get into any fuckin place… even with 5000… haha so i need to smoke

me:  hmmmmm

I can see

but I doubt it

jofrogus:  yeah figures… thats how its all going haha

Sent at 10:39 AM on Wednesday

jofrogus:  http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/apa/2052803035.html

move to orange county with me

seriously, REAL sweet places haha

me:  hahaha

yeah, I’m not a fan of LA really

jofrogus:  its not LA though, after going to these places, its WAY different

me:  yeah?

jofrogus:  huntington beach and newport, its just surfers and stoners, and beach. its amazing

me:  so find some pot on the beach!

lol

jofrogus:  95 degrees when i got here a week ago

me:  damn

jofrogus:  yeah

its awesome

i LOVE This area, west hollywood was eyecatching, but this is the southern california that i want to live in

me:  yeah, I’m def going to come down to visit

that’s for sure

so get a damn apt

lol

jofrogus:  22-35 y/os

yeah… no can do haha

i’ll prolly end up roomsharing or subletting if cort heads back to florida

she is real frustrated

me:  oh, that’s too bad

yeah, you should look for sublets

you should start to look now…

do you have money saved up?

jofrogus:  yeah we have 5000, between the two of us, but when she leaves, then it becomes a problem

me:  gotcha

jofrogus:  yeah and rocky said i can stay with him while looking if i need to, and his lease is up in dec, so he’s my last option, i just would rather be in the huntington beach area

me:  yeah, what about transportation?

jofrogus:  the places we are looking are centrally located right in the town, and there are busses. i would get a bike.

jofrogus:  i would make it work, that wouldn’t be a problem. i just like southern california weatherwise, and the feel. people DEF aren’t as snobby here as in SF

thats a complete fallacy. SF people are bitches compared to LA

me:  oh yeah?

jofrogus:  yeah completely

me:  I wonder why SF is so snobby…..

jofrogus:  because they think they’re better than people!

its this private club apparently

me:  OH TOTALLY

jofrogus:  because LA people love SF and SF people HATE LA

its really weird

everybody i’ve met is really nice

surfers alone are just laid back enough i think haha

so it helps down here. and there are a lot of michigan people in the area too

me:  oh, awesome

there are a lot of michigan people everywhere actually

it’s really odd sin’t it?

jofrogus:  yeah it is haha but it makes sense too, we came here haha

me:  totally

I think Michigan people are special

something about being surrounded by all that water

jofrogus:  yeah the ones that get out

me:  who knows…..

well, yeah….lol

jofrogus:  hahaha otherwise they’re REAL fuckin boring

me:  right, and a little bit inbred….

wyatt needs to move too

jofrogus:  he may cosign for me actually…

because i think i can get hook him up with some other stuff…..haha

so we’ll see how that works out

me:  hahahaha

you’re such a fucking walker

jofrogus:  hahahaha

thats why i’m here

me:  you are def your dads son

lol

jofrogus:  hahaha yeah it makes sense.

you should see my hair, it goes past my lips if i extend it now haha

its ridiculous

EVERYBODY loved it at the clubs… they kept grabbing it

me:  I want to see it

mom said my halloween costume looked like you

lol

jofrogus:  hahaha where are the pictures? facebook?

me:  yeah

I was an 80′s rockstar

went to santa barbara for two nights

hahaha

well, I’m tagged in them

can’t you see themon my page?

jofrogus:  it doesnt matter

me:  oh

jofrogus:  noope

me:  hmmmm

I’lls end you some

jofrogus:  nice

me:  it was just a big fro

take pics of yours

I wanna see

I bet it’s really cute

jofrogus:  jasen LOVED it… hahahaha

gahh.

me:  hahaha

what happened there?

jofrogus:  when he tried puttin his hand in my pants… i bounced hahahah

thats when rocky and i peaced to the abby

i didn’t care about saying hello to the TV show girls much

me:  WOW

sorry…..

but you kinda knew it might be trouble from the beginning…..

hahaha

I can’t wait to see rocky!

he’s fun

jofrogus:  ohhh yeah hahaha no worries

hahaha i expected something of the sort

not quite that… because he hadn’t said hi yet…

hahahaha

me:  hahahahaha

jesus

jofrogus:  but its all good, rocky and i had a good time.

i used my connections to get in the door of course….

hahahahaha jk

me:  WHAT?!?!

no you didn’t…..did you?

lol

jofrogus:  hahahaha NO

jofrogus:  there wasn’t a cover or anything at the abby. it was a nice bar though, packed.

me:  sweet

I like packed bars, there’s more trouble to get into

jofrogus:  i dropped rocky off as he called Gregory, a black man he met (Very good looking) to meet back at the apt… he’s like oh god, what am i doing… and then he starts dialing haha

me:  HAHAHA

love it

jofrogus:  it was hilarious

he was one of the guys that was pulling my hair actually, gregory

and why do ALL gay Gregorys go by Gregory? hahaha

me:  hahahaha

yeah, I don’t know the answer to that

jofrogus:  so if cort leaves for Florida, i will def be up for Thanksgiving with rocky

me:  nice

me:  perfect

I’m down

i’m making the turkey and mashed potatos

and two kinds of corn bread

and the gravy

hahaha

I didn’t want to leave it to anyone else

jofrogus:  nooo YOU make the stuffing

me:  cuase they might fuck it up

oh, and the stuffing

that too

hahaha

I don’t trust anyone else

hahaha

jofrogus:  and twice baked potatoes with bacon and cheese. hahaha

me:  curtis is making deviled eggs

I almost want to do that myself too

lol

jofrogus:  hahahahaha

well if i come up i’ll def help with whatever

me:  nice

jofrogus:  so hows work?

me:  one sec

running around

brb

me:  omg

mitch just went off on his asst and the new intern

and when he yells

he yells like Dad used to yell

or still does

I haven’t heard Dad yell in a while

hahahaha

omg

I’m SHAKING

jofrogus:  hahahahaha whoa! thats scary

so what are you?

you’re not his ass?

assistant.. hahaha

me:  no

haha

I’m the other guy’s asst

thank GOD

ok, back to work

I’ve got a shit ton of things to do

and don’t want to get yelled at

hahaha

jofrogus:  hahahaha ok got ya.

i have gchat on my phone i foudn out

me:  sweet!

—–PAUSE—-

me:  yo

lol

jofrogus:  Hey hey what’s up

me:  nada

just chillin

jofrogus:  Yeah? I’m tryin to get wyatt to cosign on an apt for me hahaha

me:  hahahaha

wow

that’s a hell of a good friend if he does

haha

there’s no way in HELL I would do that for anyone

jofrogus:  Yuuuup hahahaha

me:  hahahahaha

but, when your’e a walker

things just happen

hahahaha

in our favor that is

jofrogus:  He already did for his brother! Hahahhaa

Hahaha thanks for reminding me about that

me:  WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

OMG that’s the last person I would do it for!!!

jofrogus:  YEAH hahahaha weird

…oh wait…..Fuck off hahahaa

me:  hahaha

love you lil bro

me:  but yeah, mom and dad wouldn’t even do that for us

so he’s a good guy to have around

jofrogus:  Yeah I know, that’s what I’m sayin. We’ll see what happens.

me:  totally

man< i’m so looking forward to going home

jofrogus:  Yeaaaah I’m not.  Hahaha

me:  not going?

you decided?

jofrogus:  Because if I go home its because I coudlnt get an apartment hahaha

not for christmas, def. Not

me:  gotcha

I didn’t think so

jofrogus:  650? Yeah nope… haha

me:  hahaha

now check out my halloween costume on FB

me:  did you see them?

jofrogus:  hey yeah i saw em, My hair is HONESTLY right about that big. its nuts hahahaha

me:  hahahah

crazy

jofrogus:  i’ll send ya a picture one sec

me:  cool

jofrogus:  i sent one

i don’t have a pic, so i couldn’t fro it out to its full potential

me:  wow….

that’s NUTS

jofrogus:  hahaha yeah its awesome

jofrogus:  http://www.naturalnews.com/006981_abdominal_fat_body.html

me:  omg

I love you

jofrogus:  hahaha thats why i’m here

me:  part of the mating game

hahaha

jofrogus:  hahaha yeah its interesting about Liposuction! haha fat knees hahaha

me:  and chin!

jofrogus:  yeah that sucks

me:  hey, got a call from an LA number

who is this?

jofrogus:  what is the numbeR?

me:  985-798-6464

jofrogus:  i haven’t given your number out to anyone though

me:  will you call it?

and ask who it is?

hahaha

please….

jofrogus:  have you paid your bill for your hpone this month?

it was just a busy signal for me

me:  hmmmm

me:  try again….

please?

jofrogus:  i did

its just a fast busy signal, like a disconnected tone

me:  hmmmm

interesting

jofrogus:  haha very

me:  I wonder if it’s another creditor

hahaha

omg

my credit is….questionable

jofrogus:  i’m sure. hahaha yeah thats no good. so is mine. so we could never live together, unless wyatt cosigns for us hahaha

me:  HAHAHAHA

right

jofrogus:  still nothin on the phone. def a creditor

me:  ok, cool

jofrogus:  have you seen confessions of a shopaholic (please tell me no)

me:  those sneaky bitches

no

why?

jofrogus:  haha its retarded, but the girl is a shopaholic (really?) and she is being chased by this creditor the whole movie, and he ends up getting a spot in the audience while she is on a tv show talking about fasion, and lays out her whole history in front of the audience and her new employers

me:  EIW

I hate that story

fuck him

what’s he going to do, take the money from her purse?

jofrogus:  man this natural news website BLOWS MY MIND with the shit it talks about

me:  I mean, ok, you found me, but I still don’t have the money

jofrogus:  yeah its a bad story. but its because shes been avoiding him the whole movie at her work and job and changes her numbers

this site is talking about cancer, and how it is actually the thing that saves us from dying from whatever disease CAUSES the cancer

me:  yeah, back to the body fat

so seriously

I just have to eat well?

and excersize

well god damn it

jofrogus:  hahahaha yeah

me:  I KNEW that

I want the trick

hahaha

the secret to instant loss

hahaha

UGH

jofrogus:  yeah i know, but that IS the trick!

hahaha its the same as the Secret

Positive thinking

me:  I read all of that for him to tell me that I have to eat healthy and excersize

jofrogus:  WELL DUH

me:  what a waste…..

HAHAHAHAHA

jofrogus:  hahaha the trick is that we all think there is a trick

me:  fuck

jofrogus:  when in reality, its about caring about ourselves enough

me:  and I ate chicken fingers for lunch today

jofrogus:  HAHAHAHA

me:  I do care about myself

jofrogus:  thats not part of the trick

me:  that’s why I treated myself wth chicken fingers

hahahaha

jofrogus:  Hahahahahahahhahahahaha

me:  good for you self, you deserve ketchup and chicken fingers

And SCENE

USA = Marketing

My mind’s all over the place today, so bear with me.

I was told, “This is the fattest I’ve ever known you to be” this morning.  I hadn’t even been awake for 30 minutes.  And thus, the tone of my day was set.

The SF Giants won the world series, the city went CRAZY.  The people mobbed the streets shortly after their victory in Texas.  Mission street was closed down from 24th to 21st street.  My roommates friend Brianna was caught on a youtube video with a gang of guys burning a mattress in an intersection.  Today we welcomed the team back to the city with a parade, and I think all of California was there.  It was insane.  Never have I ever seen a city come together like this one does.

Last night was Dia De Los Muertos.  I can’t forget the lyrics from my high school spanish class:

El dia de los muertos los espiritus vienen, y visitan a sus familias, que los esperan

The best part of the night was watching a biker let the tires out of a cop car that was parked along the parade route.  2 hours later after coming back to where we had started, we saw three cops changing the tire on the car.  Too funny.  The cops were pissed.

It was re-election time yesterday.  The republicans are back in control of the House of Representatives.  I don’t really follow politics.  They piss me off because I feel like I don’t really have a voice in things.  I know, my vote is my voice, but no one my age or younger votes anyways.  It’s really the older generation running the polls.

I’m a bit jaded.

I’m going home for the holidays.  That should be crazy fun.  Looking forward to what comes of this next visit.  And the food.  And the vicodin.  And so many things.

It’s a Squishy Abyss

My best friend rang me today on my way home from work.  We talk practically everyday, usually about a whole lot of nothing.  We’ll chat about my love life, what’s going on with her and school, our jobs, and anything else that happens to pop into our heads at the time.  Today’s conversation was extra special, as she had just ended a seven month stint of abstinence last night.  My girl is picky, but it had come time for her to get what she needed, some good old fashioned fucking.

She offered most of the details willingly, something I love about our chats.  We never hold back with each other.  I can tell her exactly what I’m feeling without the worry about being judged or looked down upon.  She doesn’t always agree with how I look at things, and is quick to offer her opinion, which is probably what has kept us interested in each other for these past 10 years, a different perspective.

Her night started with no small talk or foreplay.  She answered the door, he walked in, and the making out ensued.  She told me how he had brought condoms with him, Magnums, which she said he didn’t need.  We started to talk about how the fit of condoms is an important part of sex.  Some guys prefer them to be skin tight, and others prefer a little wiggle room.  The problem with the wiggle room is that if you’re fucking a really tight hole, be it a pussy or an ass, it grips a little too hard and can pull the condom right off, a predicament we have both found ourselves in.  We started comparing stories about condoms being lost in orifices, she describing her’s as a “squishy abyss.”  We’ve both been in the situation when clean up time comes and you can’t seem to find the condom!  It’s only after you “dig” a bit “deeper” you realize it’s never really left you.  You find yourself with one foot up on the bathroom sink and knuckles deep in your own abyss.

The conversation went into what really gets us going, what turns us on the most, and we both love when men act like men in the bedroom and take control of what they want.  I’m pretty versatile, I like to go both ways, and it definitely depends on the energy of the moment.  Sometimes I want to be in charge, sometimes I want to be told what to do.  I like options. But no matter what, I take charge in the role I’m playing.

We kept comparing stories of sexy guys that knew JUST what they were doing, and I noticed I was starting to get aroused!  I said to her, “I’m starting to get a boner….are we having phone sex!?!”

“I think we are!” she said.  “How funny….my gay best friend and I are having phone sex!”

We laughed so hard, and it was then that I realized that I have been so stuck in my head lately.  I’m the king of creating unneeded stress, and in that moment, I realized I need to make a greater effort to be more connected to the world around me, instead of focusing on these unnerving thoughts that I mull over on the daily.  I’ve read tons of books on meditation, so I the tools are there, but the conscious awareness has been lacking.  I know now that all this bitching in my previous blogs is because of my lack of awareness of the given moment, and today, I’m out to change that.

So for the next week, I’m going to unplug, and take in the world around me.  I did this for a while before I left NYC, and when I look back on it, I remember being the happiest I’ve ever been.  I would walk by the trees and take in the color and shapes of the leaves, I would look strangers in the eyes and greet them with a smile, life just seemed to be everywhere and in everything, and I want that feeling back in my core.  So no more ipod on the way to work, no more checking emails on the subway (or BART rather….but it’s still a damn subway….), no more getting mad at people during transit rush hour, and DEFINITELY no more getting caught up in my bosses stress, at least for this next week.

Baby steps from here on out.  My happiness is in my own hands, and it starts with reconnecting with the world around me, the people in my life, be them friends or strangers, and shining that inner light.

Thanks, CEB, for being my best friend, and for waking me up without even knowing you were doing it.  You’re the best!

Mr. Know It All

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I know nothing at all.  And as the years go by, that thought is reinforced exponentially.

I meditated last night for the first time in a few weeks.  My mind was racing with thoughts, and at the end of my sitting, I realized I had been thinking most of the time.  Sometimes it happens that way, I don’t judge the process or my thoughts, I just know that it took a lot of concentration to keep bringing myself back to the rhythm of my breath.

I miss dancing.  I was thinking about that on my lunch break today.  This really great song came on my ipod, something by Karsh Kale, and it sounded like something we would do warm ups to before we started working on the routine.  Yeah, I really miss dancing.  I miss feeling the energy flow through your muscles, and connecting you to all the other dancers in the room.  Speaking of energy flow, check out this video:

I watch this as I sit at my desk doing this ridiculous 9 to 5 bullshit, scheduling meetings and getting coffee or lunch, and I can’t help but think that so much of life is passing me by.  I know that we have to work, and make money, and go through the motions, blah blah blah, but WHY?!  Why did it come to be this way?  I think in lofty ideals, I realize that.  I can hear my mother in the back of my head telling me I’m crazy, but I just don’t get it.  I’m pissed at myself for settling sometimes, for agreeing to be part of the machine that I can’t stand.

I take public transportation every morning to work, and every morning as I get on the escalator I think to myself, “here we are again….same shit, different day….” and I despise myself for it.  I feel like a sheep following the flock, and all I want to do is jump over the gate and run towards something bigger and grander.

...and so much world to see

It’s a different feeling then wanting to explore uncharted territory, it’s simply about feeling and experiencing the awe and wonder in this world.

There is so much we don’t know, and even more we don’t know that we don’t know!  Think about that for second.

Welcome back.

The older I get, the more I feel like I’ve settled.  I take full responsibility for my act of settling, knowing that if I didn’t want that new pair of jeans, or that new laptop, I could very easily take the money I make plan a trip around the world.  But I wonder if that would be enough.  See, I’m not looking to just get out there and see the sights.  I want to give back, I want to be a part of something greater, and I want to experience that with like minded people, not wander around the globe aimlessly.  My point is, I want a job that satisfies this thirst of figuring out what all of this is about.  All of this LIFE stuff.  It’s not enough for me to at this laptop for 10 hours a day, it just isn’t.

Change takes an immense amount of courage to embrace the unknown, and I’m no stranger to that, I’ve definitely earned my stripes.  What I don’t know is what to do that will make me happy, all I can do is be open to the possibility of change.

A day older, but not yet wiser…..