Today, I cried on the shoulder of a complete stranger. She was a 30 something year old girl, not completely american, but a mix of what I couldn’t tell. She was simple, and had a warm energy.
I was sitting alone on the park bench, trying hard to hold back the tears that had been streaming for most of the day. She sat next to me and said that it looked like I needed someone to talk to. At first I was a bit taken back. Why on earth would a complete stranger come up to me as I was crying to help console me? I remember when I lived in NYC and I would see random strangers crying on the street. I knew how that felt, to be at such a low point and letting it all go for everyone on the streets to see.
“I’m sorry” I said.
She stopped me as she moved a bit closer to me. ”there’s no reason to be sorry. If anyone should be it’s me. I don’t mean to impose, but I saw you sitting here and thought you might need someone to talk to.” God, I hope I didn’t look suicidal, I thought to myself.
I explained to her what was going on between my boyfriend and I. I didn’t give details, she wasn’t interested in the “he said, she said” crap. She just looked at me in the eyes as I told her that one of the greatest loves of my life was slipping from my grasp. She put her hand on mine, and took in a deep breath. I lost myself. I sobbed like a child and she pulled herself closer, giving her shoulder over to my tears.
After I collected myself, she thanked me. ”No, I should be thanking you” I said. ”Not hardly.” she replied. ”you trusted me enough to go to an emotional place, that most would never let a stranger see. That’s why I’m thanking you.”
With that she wished me the best of luck, not offering too much advice, just happy to share my burden. I don’t think I’ve ever received such a random act of kindness in my life.
I love Alejandro. I love the man that I’ve gotten to know, and I love the man that I know he’ll be as he grows old. There’s no question about that. I realize we’re different. There are some things he does that drive me absolutely insane, but I know he has his reasons. He’s been through so much, as have I, but the paths have been so different, I’ll never fully understand why his head goes in one direction, and mine the opposite.
But I don’t CARE about those things, because ultimately I always believed he would be there, standing by my side, at whatever cost. I know I would have done the same for him.
I feel like I’ve been misunderstood, and I’ve tried so hard to show him the man that I can be. I would never be jealous of his friendships. I would never say things to him that would make me doubt my respect for him, and my love. And I would never EVER do anything to him that I know would upset him. I know that when he goes out with friends, he’s very faithful. I’ve never doubted this. I have to believe that, because if I don’t trust his words, then what do I trust? Why couldn’t he see that my spontaneity is a good thing? If at the last minute a friend calls me up to join them, I just wish that he had trusted me enough to know that I would never put our relationship in a place that would jeopardize it.
I love that man. I really do. He walked away telling me this was the last time, the last chance. And so a pit rests in my chest, knowing that he will eventually move on, knowing that the love that I felt from him will be shared with another. The dreams that I’ve built for us, our house together, our trips together, our life together, where does it all go? The world was ours, how can it just disappear?
I am sorry. I’m sorry that we are such hard headed men that at times of heightened emotions, things are said that can’t be taken away. I’m sorry because I know now that he felt he had to fight for my attention, for my love. If only I had done more to show him that there was no competition, there never was. I was his, and happy to be called his. He was a part of me. His smell, his taste, his everything, a part of my senses. Love is my enemy right now, it’s because of love I have this hole in my heart.
I really miss him....
Are you ready to write a “Lessons Learned” post? You seem to be saying to us in the blog a lot of things that you should have discussed with him before everything ended. These were key words to me: “I feel like I’ve been misunderstood, and I’ve tried so hard to show him the man that I can be.” What did you guys talk about? It sounds like you were living a wonderful affair in your mind believing it would become reality later. I sure know that feeling – more accurately it’s a belief. And like so many beliefs, it can cause blindness because you don’t want to find out if your belief is actually true. I can’t wait for your “Lessons Learned” post. Hugs from New York.